#MediationQuickTips – Issue 14: Safe Challenging Questions – Signposting & Permission
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Quick Tips Newsletter

#MediationQuickTips – Issue 14: Safe Challenging Questions – Signposting & Permission

Mediation Quick Tips

Welcome to this ‘Mediation Quick Tips’ Newsletter Issue 14

Safe Challenging Questions – Signposting & Permission

Asking challenging questions, safely, entails putting parties at ease and supporting them to understand the process and how you work so they do not face any ‘surprises’ which might leave them feeling uncomfortable or, indeed, threatened. Patience and gentleness are key to this process.

The use of signposting and giving power to the parties to influence the process will support them to become more settled.

NOTE!

The 2nd Edition of ‘The Mediator’s Toolkit: Formulating and Asking Questions for Successful Outcomes’, published 10th June 2025 can be ordered on amazon.com or waterstones.com or on amazon.co.uk  and other well known websites.

Next O’Sullivan Solutions online advanced mediation courses:

January 29, 30, February 5, 6 – 2026

Time Schedule for all advanced mediation courses:

Irish Standard Time: / GMT: 1.30pm -5.30pm

Four half days – Live zoom course

advanced level mediator training

Details & Booking

1. Use Signposting Prior to Asking a Question

Parties coming to mediation for the first time may be worried about the process and procedures that will be used. Letting them know what is going to be done and how it is going to be done at various stages throughout the process will lessen their anxiety. This is called signposting, and doing it will reduce any feelings of threat the parties may have.

Signposting
Constantly signposting the process and next steps helps parties to settle and remain calm – osullivansolutions.ie

Example:
Mediator says:

‘First, I will start with Karen, and I will give her all the time she needs to speak. Then I will ask you the same question, John, and I will also give you whatever time you need to speak. Then I will ask you both…’

‘John, I need to stay with Karen for just a little time more, and then I will give you plenty of time to say all that you need to say…’

2. Ask Permission Prior to Asking a Difficult Question

Sometimes it may be appropriate to ask a party for permission before asking a difficult or sensitive question. This needs to be signposted.

Example:
Mediator says:

‘This may seem like a difficult question, and I am not sure how you might feel about responding to it. May I please have your permission to ask it, and then you can decide whether you wish to respond?’

If it is appropriate and does not appear too pushy or directive you can always have a discussion at a private or caucus meeting to explore a party’s hesitancies.

Next Newsletter

Imagine the difference it would make if, before asking a tough question, the other party truly feels heard. This creates a moment of mutual respect that opens the door for difficult discussions. Creating safety before posing a challenging question will be covered in the next #MediationQuickTip newsletter. I will write about listening to the thoughts of a party and reflecting back what you hear in a way that will first create safety and trust before posing a question.

NOTE!

The 2nd Edition of ‘The Mediator’s Toolkit: Formulating and Asking Questions for Successful Outcomes’, published 10th June 2025 can be ordered on amazon.com or waterstones.com or on amazon.co.uk  and other well known websites.

Next O’Sullivan Solutions online advanced mediation courses:

January 29, 30, February 5, 6 – 2026

Time Schedule for all advanced mediation courses:

Irish Standard Time: / GMT: 1.30pm -5.30pm

Four half days – Live zoom course

advanced level mediator training

Details & Booking
Quick Tips Newsletter

#MediationQuickTips – Issue 13: Safe Challenging Questions – Appropriateness & Timing

Mediation Quick Tips

Welcome to this ‘Mediation Quick Tips’ Newsletter Issue 13

Safe Challenging Questions – Appropriateness & Timing

In this #MediationQuickTip newsletter I will refer to the criteria for judging if your question is safe and if the timing is right for asking a challenging question.

NOTE!

The 2nd Edition of ‘The Mediator’s Toolkit: Formulating and Asking Questions for Successful Outcomes’, published 10th June 2025 can be ordered on amazon.com or waterstones.com or on amazon.co.uk  and other well known websites.

Next O’Sullivan Solutions online advanced mediation courses:

January 29, 30, February 5, 6 – 2026

Time Schedule for all advanced mediation courses:

Irish Standard Time: / GMT: 1.30pm -5.30pm

Four half days – Live zoom course

advanced level mediator training

Details & Booking

1. Use the Principles of Mediation as a Reference Point Before Asking a Question

When in doubt as to whether to ask a particular question, one of the options that may help is to use the principles of mediation as a reference point.

If the type of question, or the stage at which a mediator would like to ask it, contravenes any of these mediation principles, then think carefully about how you will bring out the information you need without breaching mediation principles. Remember that adhering to the mediation principles is what will protect you, your practice and your clients.

Principles of Mediation (VICS):

  • Voluntariness
  • Impartiality /Multipartiality
  • Confidentiality
  • Self-determination

2. Timing

I have referred to the function of the amygdala in previous newsletters but it is important to mention it again as we need to work with the knowledge of the function of the amygdala and not ask questions that could result in a party feeling vulnerable or under threat as this could inadvertently trigger an amygdala hijack and they may not be able to think clearly or logically.

Refer to #MediationQuickTips Newsletters – Issues 1, 2, and 3 – for more information on emotions and the role of the amygdala in our limbic system.

Refer to Chapter 3 in The Mediator’s Toolkit: Formulating and Asking Questions for Successful Outcomes.

Next Newsletter

In this #MediationQuickTip newsletter I will cover the use of signposting during a mediation session and giving power to the parties to influence the process.

NOTE!

The 2nd Edition of ‘The Mediator’s Toolkit: Formulating and Asking Questions for Successful Outcomes’, published 10th June 2025 can be ordered on amazon.com or waterstones.com or on amazon.co.uk  and other well known websites.

Next O’Sullivan Solutions online advanced mediation courses:

January 29, 30, February 5, 6 – 2026

Time Schedule for all advanced mediation courses:

Irish Standard Time: / GMT: 1.30pm -5.30pm

Four half days – Live zoom course

advanced level mediator training

Details & Booking
Quick Tips Newsletter

#MediationQuickTips – Issue 12: Safe Challenging Questions

Mediation Quick Tips

Welcome to this ‘Mediation Quick Tips’ Newsletter Issue 12

Safe Challenging Questions

It has been some time since I last sent you a #MediationQuickTips Newsletter and for this I do apologise. I have been concentrating on writing the 2nd Edition of ‘The Mediator’s Toolkit: Formulating and Asking Questions for Successful Outcomes’ and it will be published on 10th June 2025 and can be pre-ordered on amazon.com or waterstones.com or other well known sites.

This article, along with the following shorter ones, will provide you with brief and straightforward #MediationQuickTips on the mediation framework, approach, process, skills and language necessary to ask difficult questions in a gentle, yet purposeful, manner. I will continue to write about these tips, in bite-size pieces, in future newsletters.

In this series of #MediationQuickTips, I’ll be guiding you through the essential elements of asking challenging mediation questions, in a safe way. This newsletter and the upcoming editions will give you practical, straightforward tips on the framework, approach, process, and skills needed to ask tough questions — while maintaining a gentle yet purposeful tone.

Stay tuned for future newsletters, where I’ll continue to share bite-sized, actionable tips that will empower you to mediate with clarity and compassion.

NOTE!

The 2nd Edition of ‘The Mediator’s Toolkit: Formulating and Asking Questions for Successful Outcomes’, published 10th June 2025 can be ordered on amazon.com or waterstones.com or on amazon.co.uk  and other well known websites.

Next O’Sullivan Solutions online advanced mediation courses:

January 29, 30, February 5, 6 – 2026

Time Schedule for all advanced mediation courses:

Irish Standard Time: / GMT: 1.30pm -5.30pm

Four half days – Live zoom course

advanced level mediator training

Details & Booking

Worried about asking Challenging Questions?

One of the most critical aspects of mediation is creating an environment where all parties feel safe to engage and respond thoughtfully. In this issue I am starting with some key tips on the mediation framework and the essential mediator’s approach to use when asking questions. These should underpin any communicatons you have with parties in conflict.

1. Beware the Amygdala!

I have referred to the function of the amygdala in previous newsletters but it is important to mention it again as we need to work with the knowledge of the function of the amygdala and not ask questions that could result in a party feeling vulnerable or under threat as this could inadvertently trigger an amygdala hijack and they may not be able to think clearly or logically.

Refer to #MediationQuickTips Newsletters – Issues 1, 2, and 3 – for more information on emotions and the role of the amygdala in our limbic system.

Refer to Chapter 3 in The Mediator’s Toolkit: Formulating and Asking Questions for Successful Outcomes.

Amygdala glucose

2. Mediation Framework

As stated in my book The Mediator’s Toolkit: Formulating and Asking Questions for Successful Outcomes, the ‘S Questions Model’ is designed on the premise that an initial separate and private meeting will take place with each of the parties prior to bringing them together for a joint meeting, and that separate (caucus) meetings are part of the structure of the joint meeting, if necessary, and appropriate to the needs of the process and the parties.

Hold Separate Private Meetings

Parties in conflict need to build trust with their mediator prior to being in a room with the other party. Holding an initial separate meeting creates a space for this to happen. To do otherwise heightens the level of threat that parties coming to a joint meeting may feel, and this could be aggravated by a mediator who, because they are working in a vacuum of knowledge about the parties, could inadvertently ask questions that could stimulate an unnecessary avoid-threat reflex in the parties.

Refer to #MediationQuickTips Newsletters – Issue 5 – for comprehensive information on preparing for and holding private meetings.

This initial separate meeting can last between one hour and two and a half hours for each party. The Opening Statement needs to include a description of how the mediation process is going to work, and it also needs to outline some of the ways that will empower parties and protect their safety and vulnerability.

Example:

  • Tell parties that mediation is voluntary and that they may leave if they wish, at any time before or during the process
  • Let mediation participants know that they do not have to respond to your questions
  • Ask parties for permission when asking a “hard” question
  • Give parties permission to challenge you if they think you are being partial

Be more process driven than outcome driven when you are listening, keeping a participant on their Thought-Flow-Track, hearing inferences and assumptions or exploring underlying interests. As trust is built and people have had an opportunity to air their issues, you will be able to ask more exploratory or challenging questions, safely.

Refer to #MediationQuickTips Newsletters – Issue 10 – for a description of Thought-Flow-Tracking

A separate meeting can create a forum where discussion can take place about issues that may be sensitive for a party or that could result in them becoming vulnerable in front of the other party. Some of the deeper and more searching questions that are contained in the S4: Shift Thinking questions from the ‘S Questions Model’ need to be initially asked and tested at this separate meeting to judge how safe it would be to ask them at a joint meeting. It is important that a party is not inadvertently asked a question at a joint meeting that may result in them losing face or feeling threatened.

3.  The Mediator’s Body Language

There are two fundamental things people are looking for in any relationship:

“Do I matter?” and “Am I heard?”

Jane Gunn, Corporate Peacemakers

Body Language

The meaning and intention behind what a mediator says is conveyed through their body language, their tone of voice, and the words that they verbalize. These three elements need to be congruent with each other. If not, the receiver of the message will be more influenced by what is conveyed through the nonverbal body language used, rather than by the words used. If the body language is threatening or judgmental, then this negativity is what will be understood. Parties will not feel that they matter and are heard and may feel vulnerable and become defensive with their responses.

Issue 13 Body Language pie chart

Albert Mehrabian, Professor Emeritus of Psychology, UCLA, has become best known for his publications on the relative percentage importance of verbal and nonverbal messages. Mehrabian’s theory is that the type of body language and tone of voice used by a person conveys the intention of their message more than the actual words they use.

When a mediator is listening to parties and asking questions, the body language they display needs to convey respect and impartiality or multi-partiality, accompanied by an open body language stance and gentle eye contact. Forming eye contact does not mean staring eyeball to eyeball, but looking at the general triangle formed by the eyebrows and the mouth. Mediators need to imagine themselves as a blank sheet of paper waiting to be filled with information from the parties, and even a bit like the TV character detective Colombo, who asked his questions in an apparently charming, innocent manner. His body language was reflective, tentative, gentle, and curious.

Next Newsletter

Next time I will write about the criteria for judging if your question is safe and how to judge if the timing is right for asking a challenging question.

NOTE!

The 2nd Edition of ‘The Mediator’s Toolkit: Formulating and Asking Questions for Successful Outcomes’, published 10th June 2025 can be ordered on amazon.com or waterstones.com or on amazon.co.uk  and other well known websites.

Next O’Sullivan Solutions online advanced mediation courses:

January 29, 30, February 5, 6 – 2026

Time Schedule for all advanced mediation courses:

Irish Standard Time: / GMT: 1.30pm -5.30pm

Four half days – Live zoom course

advanced level mediator training

Details & Booking
Quick Tips Newsletter

#MediationQuickTips: We know practically nothing! Issue 1

Mediation Quick Tips

Welcome to this ‘Mediation Quick Tips’ Newsletter Issue 1

In this newsletter I want to focus on creating awareness about the communication context in which we mediators work and on how to manage the enormous amount of communication deficit and distortion that exists. This theory will form the basis of much of what I will write in future articles. 

 It is divided into three sections:

  1. Mediation Quick Tips
  2. Theory behind the Quick Tips
  3. How to apply this theory to practice

1. Mediation Quick Tips

Ask questions about what we know, about what we don’t know, as well as what we don’t know we don’t know. Also apply this tip to supporting the parties to seek information about what they may not know about each other.

2. Theory behind the Quick Tips

The information our brain absorbs is limited by three main factors:

Factor 1: The amount of information we have the capacity to absorb

Factor 2: The type of information we absorb being dependent on our experiences, values and beliefs

Factor 3: The emotions that surface for us when our brain is absorbing information causing a deficit and distortion of the information intake

The information we communicate to others is also limited:

We also delete and distort communicated information based on our assumptions about what we think someone should know already, or may not know, or does not need to know…and I could go on forever with this list, but you probably get the point …

All of the above information is explained graphically on film and in more detail on this link:

https://www.osullivansolutions.ie/live-online-mediation-questions-training/
Scroll down that page to see the film titled:
‘Mediation Training Video: The Context for Creating a Paradigm Shift’

3. How to apply this theory to practice?

Factor 1: Amount of Information absorbed – We know practically nothing!

The first factor limiting the brain’s capacity to absorb information is that the amount of information absorbed by our brain is in deficit

Brain Absorbs

#MediationQuickTips

This means that we need to ask further questions about that which we already think we know; about what we don’t know and about what we don’t know we don’t know. And, similarly we need to ask the mediation participants questions about what they might not know about each other.

Strategy A

This is a sample of questions that could be asked of mediation participants: 
  • What do you think that I, as the mediator, may know already?
  • What do you think I, as mediator, may not know or understand yet?
  • What questions need I ask of you so I gain more information and understanding?
  • Is there anything else I don’t know … or understand?

Strategy B

We may need to ask the mediation participants questions about what they might not know about each other. This could be done in private or joint sessions, as you deem appropriate:

Mediator says:

‘I would like to ask you/both of you some questions in case there is information missing that might be important for you to hear?’

  • What might each of you not know or understand about… (the other person, the situation etc?)
  • What might the other person not know or understand about you?
  • What is the one question that the other person could ask of you that could help them to gain understanding about you or your perspective?
  • What question, if asked, could result in making the most difference to the outcome for both of you?

 Factor 2: Type of Information absorbed – We argue based on who we are!

Both parties, and I as the mediator, are not only working from an information deficit but also from a base of information distortion as our unique paradigm, and that of the mediation participants, is based on our experiences, our values and our beliefs and this distorts and influences our perceptions and management of the conflict

#MediationQuickTips

Why does information distortion happen?

  • The type of information that we absorb is influenced by our paradigm.
  • Our paradigm is how we see and understand the world, our role in it, and the roles of others.
  • Our paradigm is formed by our experiences, our values and our beliefs.
  • This created paradigm is our reference point for the information we take in and how we interpret it and it is our reference point for the information we communicate to others.
  • Our paradigm becomes our established pattern of thought that customises our communication filters.We argue about...

Based on the influence of our paradigm, one of the actions that we as mediators, need to take when we start building our hypothesis, is to build many of them – not just one hypothesis that matches our paradigm and how we view the world, but lots and lots of hypotheses from different perspectives, no matter how foreign they may seem to us.

And then during mediation we need to prove all those hypotheses wrong rather than checking to see if our hypothesis is correct! This is how you start to bring the unknown unknowns into the mediation process. I do think it would be much easier not to develop any hypothesis but I don’t think this is psychologically possible!

Managing your own paradigm:

  • Never assume you know the assumptions and intentions of the mediation participants.
  • Never assume that a party might think or feel as you would given exposure to the same events.
  • Never think that the solution that would suit you would suit others.

After working on our own hypothesis, we then need to try to understand the paradigms of the mediation participants so that we can support them to understand each other. There are many questions that could be asked and these are just a sample:

  • What were the experiences of each of you during that event? (Our experiences)
  • What were each of your interpretations, assumptions and conclusions about what happened? In what way do they differ from each other? (Our experiences)
  • What do each of you not understand about what happened? (Our experiences)
  • What was impacted that was important to each of you? (Our values)
  • What is the thing that impacted you the most? Tell me a little more? (Our experiences, or our values or our beliefs)
  • What beliefs may have influenced your behaviours/responses? (Our beliefs)
  • What beliefs may be stopping you from moving towards agreement? (Our beliefs)

Factor 3: Emotions arising while absorbing information – We can’t think straight if overwhelmed by emotions!

Our amygdala in our limbic system is our threat detector and as a result we tend to notice and absorb negative information first and may experience an amygdala hijack as a result of a threat or perceived threat.

Amygdala glucose

#MediationQuickTips

As a result, our capacity to think clearly is inhibited until our sense of threat has subsided and the oxygen and glucose needed to think cognitively returns to our frontal brain.

I will write in more detail on working with emotions in a separate article, other than to say now that we need to allow a party to vent emotions before they can begin to think more clearly. This process can be started in a caucus or private meeting in order to ‘settle’ a party prior to the joint meeting and to support them in being clear about what they may wish to bring to a joint meeting. The process may also be continued at a joint meeting, if it is appropriate for shared understanding.

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