Welcome to this ‘Mediation Quick Tips’ Newsletter Issue 18
Safe Challenging Questions – Mining the Gems
This edition of #MediationQuickTips shows a technique to ensure that parties do not miss any positive or helpful statements from each other.
NOTE!
The 2nd Edition of ‘The Mediator’s Toolkit: Formulating and Asking Questions for Successful Outcomes’, published 10th June 2025 can be ordered on amazon.com or waterstones.com or on amazon.co.uk and other well known websites.
Next O’Sullivan Solutions online advanced mediation courses:
October 9, 10, 16, 17 – 2025
February 5, 6, 12, 13 – 2026
Time Schedule for all advanced mediation courses:
Irish Standard Time: / GMT: 1.30pm -5.30pm
Four half days – Live zoom course
advanced level mediator training
Mining the Gems
One of the most critical aspects of mediation is creating an environment where all parties feel safe to engage and respond thoughtfully. In this issue I am starting with some key tips on the mediation framework and the essential mediator’s approach to use when asking questions. These should underpin any communicatons you have with parties in conflict.
1. Mining the Gems from the Parties’ Communication
The brain prioritizes taking in negative or potentially harmful information over positive or helpful input as a means of preparing for any needed threat response. This is how our brain is hardwired to protect us from harm. But it means that if one party says something positive or helpful about the other party, these Gems of information may not be heard.
This can be tied to a few concepts:
Negativity Bias: This is the tendency for negative events or information to have a greater psychological impact than neutral or positive events. In evolutionary terms, it made sense for our ancestors to be more attuned to potential threats (negative stimuli) to ensure survival. This bias means we are more likely to notice, remember, and react to negative comments, even when they are mixed with positive ones.
Amygdala Hijacking: As you mentioned before, when the amygdala perceives a threat, it can take control, leading to heightened emotional responses that may block out rational thought or positive input. The result is that you may only process the negative aspects of a conversation, missing any helpful or supportive remarks (the “Gems”).
Selective Listening: When we’re feeling threatened, stressed, or defensive, we tend to focus on what aligns with our current fears or anxieties. This makes it harder to absorb positive feedback or solutions that might be offered. It’s like a filter that only allows negative information through, blocking the positive or helpful parts of communication.
This tendency can affect relationships, as people may focus mainly on what’s wrong, even if there are helpful suggestions or compliments embedded in a conversation. A Gem is a piece of information that one party gives that could be valuable to the creation of understanding between the parties. It is the role of the mediator to catch these Gems of information and bring them into the discussion at a time that is appropriate.
What are the types of Gems we need to watch for?
· When parties’ express similar feelings, even if they are negative, they need to be captured and used appropriately later: So, you were both very worried?
· When a party expresses a regret or apology, this is important, as the other party will then understand that the other “gets it,” and the mediator can then explore what the party could do differently if they could go back and address the past conflict with their current information.
· If one party says something positive about the other, a mediator needs to clearly reflect back this statement, while turning to and looking at the listening party, so they are engaged and will hear what was said.
· If a party voices hope or possibility for the future this needs to be captured and reflected back as this demonstrates to them that the other has a belief in a more positive future.
· When a party talks about the impact the conflict has on them, this can be explored in more detail and as it may identify the party’s underlying interests and may help in creating understanding.
· If one party expresses recognition of the impact on the other party, this needs to be reflected back by the mediator, so that the other party hears it.
· When a party concludes the telling of their story and experience, the last sentence or words stated by them are often their conclusion about what they have just voiced. It is important to capture what was said as it may be a key to their underlying interests or their hopes.
· If a party identifies a possible solution, then perhaps a small agreement could be made at that stage, or it could be noted and introduced at a later stage.
Example:
Mediator:
John, I heard you mention earlier that you wished that Karen had come directly to you:
• If Karen had done that, how would it have been for you?
• What would have been your response to Karen?
• What could have been the outcome?
Mediator:
· Karen, if that had happened, how might it have been for you?
How could you both work this learning into an agreement for the future?
Next Newsletter
In the next issue of #MediationQuickTips, I’ll be diving into an essential skill — how to ask questions that don’t trigger a sense of powerlessness or vulnerability in the parties involved. It’s crucial to avoid creating a situation where a party feels threatened or exposed, as this can lead to defensiveness and disrupt the flow of mediation.
NOTE!
The 2nd Edition of ‘The Mediator’s Toolkit: Formulating and Asking Questions for Successful Outcomes’, published 10th June 2025 can be ordered on amazon.com or waterstones.com or on amazon.co.uk and other well known websites.
Next O’Sullivan Solutions online advanced mediation courses:
October 9, 10, 16, 17 – 2025
February 5, 6, 12, 13 – 2026
Time Schedule for all advanced mediation courses:
Irish Standard Time: / GMT: 1.30pm -5.30pm
Four half days – Live zoom course
advanced level mediator training
