Welcome to this ‘Mediation Quick Tips’ Newsletter Issue 16
Safe Challenging Questions – Grammar and focusing on deed, not doer
Imagine the difference it would make if, before asking a tough question, the other party truly felt heard. This creates a moment of mutual respect that opens the door for difficult discussions.
NOTE!
The 2nd Edition of ‘The Mediator’s Toolkit: Formulating and Asking Questions for Successful Outcomes’, published 10th June 2025 can be ordered on amazon.com or waterstones.com or on amazon.co.uk and other well known websites.
Next O’Sullivan Solutions online advanced mediation courses:
October 9, 10, 16, 17 – 2025
February 5, 6, 12, 13 – 2026
Time Schedule for all advanced mediation courses:
Irish Standard Time: / GMT: 1.30pm -5.30pm
Four half days – Live zoom course
advanced level mediator training
1. Intermittently, and when appropriate, reflect back what you have heard from a party prior to asking a question
Repeatedly asking questions may become intimidating for the parties, so it is important to intersperse questions with reflections on what you have heard so that the parties do not feel as if they are being interrogated by question after question.
Example:
‘John, I hear you saying that you were quite shocked when that happened; how did you manage this with Mary during the following days?’
2. Remove blame when developing questions by using the Grammatical Passive Voice
Use the Active Voice
When we reflect back what one party says we need to be careful in the way we reflect back that the listening party does not pick up any mediator partiality or blame in our words or voice.
This is done by:
- Using effective neutral body language covered in Newsletter 1
- Not referring to the party who carried out the action by their name (removing the subject) and changing the question construction from active voice to passive voice
Example:
Instead of using the Active Voice:
“When he levelled the boundary wall.” – as this sentence identifies who did the action.
Use the Passive Voice
“When the boundary wall was levelled.” as in this reframed sentence, the person who carried out the action is not named.
Another Example:
Mediator using the Active Voice:
‘‘She puts pressure on you.” – this sentence identifies who is to blame.
Mediator using the Passive Voice:
‘‘You feel pressured?” – this reframed sentence is changed from active to passive voice, and the focus is on the impact on the person rather than on who did the action and who is to blame.
3. Separate the Deed from the Doer
Focus on the deed done rather than on the person who did it, and ask for an example.
Example:
Replace the doer (he) when a party exclaims:
He is a liar!
With the deed:
‘Do you have an example of when you felt you were not told the truth by John?’
Next Newsletter
The next edition of #MediationQuickTips – Become a Reporter – will cover how to use reporting verbs when reflecting back in order to maintain impartiality and will show the importance of using the name of a party to counteract any toxicity from the other party.
NOTE!
The 2nd Edition of ‘The Mediator’s Toolkit: Formulating and Asking Questions for Successful Outcomes’, published 10th June 2025 can be ordered on amazon.com or waterstones.com or on amazon.co.uk and other well known websites.
Next O’Sullivan Solutions online advanced mediation courses:
October 9, 10, 16, 17 – 2025
February 5, 6, 12, 13 – 2026
Time Schedule for all advanced mediation courses:
Irish Standard Time: / GMT: 1.30pm -5.30pm
Four half days – Live zoom course
advanced level mediator training
