Welcome to this ‘Mediation Quick Tips’ Newsletter Issue 26
Safe Challenging Questions – Itching to give Advice?
Oooh, but it is so hard as a mediator to hold back on giving advice whilst adhering to the mediation principles of self-determination and impartiality. And I know that in many jurisdictions it is permissible to give advice if a party specifically asks for it, even though they have the freedom to not accept this advice. But I also know that sticking to the mediation principles is what protects us, the parties and the mediation process.
NOTE!
The 2nd Edition of ‘The Mediator’s Toolkit: Formulating and Asking Questions for Successful Outcomes’, published 10th June 2025 can be ordered on amazon.com or waterstones.com or on amazon.co.uk and other well known websites.
Next O’Sullivan Solutions online advanced mediation courses:
15, 16, 22, 23, October 2026
Time Schedule for all advanced mediation courses:
Irish Standard Time: / GMT: 1.30pm -5.30pm
Four half days – Live zoom course
advanced level mediator training
1. What happens if we give advice?
When we give advice to parties in mediation there can be negative results:
• The advice we give may favour one party over another – impartiality?
• The advice may result in divisiveness between the parties?
• It may come across as judgmental and disrespectful?
• Parties may become defensive?
• The advice may not meet the real underlying interests and needs of the parties?
• The advice could be wrong?
How do we cope with the itch? We can turn our advising words into exploratory questions and we can use language that is non-directive and gives options for solutions safely.
2. Create a safe approach by turning advice into exploratory questions
Before turning our advice into exploratory questions, we need to ensure that our body language is not directive, but is open, curious, gentle and accepting.
Then we can work on turning our advising statement into an exploratory question
Example:
Mediator’s inappropriate statement:
“I don’t think that would work.”
Mediator’s statement turned into questions:
• How might the other party respond if you say/do that?
• What might be the worst response they could give?
• What might be the best response if you say/do that?
• Marks out of ten, where would you peg the possibility of getting a response that would
meet all or some of your needs? 10 = positive and 0 = not positive.
• What other options do you have that could meet your needs? The needs of the other?
3. Use nondirective words when exploring possibilities for solution
To remain nondirective when asking a question, avoid using directive words such as should or must. By remaining nondirective, the party can be asked to consider what the other party could or might potentially need rather than being told to make a commitment. This lessens any threat that a party may feel.
Examples:
Instead of asking, what should you give John? Ask instead, what could John need and what could you offer to him? ?
Instead of asking, what must you offer to John? Ask instead, what might John need?
Next Newsletter
What to do if your question inadvertently touches on a party’s past trauma, resulting in tears?
NOTE!
The 2nd Edition of ‘The Mediator’s Toolkit: Formulating and Asking Questions for Successful Outcomes’, published 10th June 2025 can be ordered on amazon.com or waterstones.com or on amazon.co.uk and other well known websites.
Next O’Sullivan Solutions online advanced mediation courses:
15, 16, 22, 23, October 2026
Time Schedule for all advanced mediation courses:
Irish Standard Time: / GMT: 1.30pm -5.30pm
Four half days – Live zoom course
advanced level mediator training
