Welcome to this ‘Mediation Quick Tips’ Newsletter Issue 25
Safe Challenging Questions – Toxic Language
It has been some time since I last sent you a #MediationQuickTips Newsletter and for this I do apologise. I have been concentrating on writing the 2nd Edition of ‘The How do you cope with toxic language that invites defensiveness from a party who hears it? To cope, the goal is to reframe the message in a way that acknowledges the truth, while minimizing blame and fostering understanding.
NOTE!
The 2nd Edition of ‘The Mediator’s Toolkit: Formulating and Asking Questions for Successful Outcomes’, published 10th June 2025 can be ordered on amazon.com or waterstones.com or on amazon.co.uk and other well known websites.
Next O’Sullivan Solutions online advanced mediation courses:
15, 16, 22, 23, October 2026
Time Schedule for all advanced mediation courses:
Irish Standard Time: / GMT: 1.30pm -5.30pm
Four half days – Live zoom course
advanced level mediator training
Safe Challenging Questions – Toxic Language?
How do you remove the toxic language without loosing the truth of what is being said.
- Acknowledge the feelings: Start by recognizing the emotions involved to show empathy.
- Separate the deed from the doer: Address the specific issue or behavior, not the character of the person.
- Reframe the language: Use neutral, non-judgmental language that encourages constructive dialogue.
Here’s an example of how to rephrase toxic language:
Toxic language: “She never listens to anyone, and that’s why things always go wrong.”
Reframed: “It seems like there might be moments where communication breaks down, and that can create challenges in reaching a resolution.”
By rephrasing in this way, you’re still addressing the truth of what was said but in a way that is more likely to invite cooperation rather than defensiveness.
How do you remove the toxic language without loosing the truth of what is being said?
a) Acknowledge the feelings: Start by recognizing the emotions involved to show empathy.
b) Separate the behavior from the person: Address the specific issue or behavior, not the character of the person.
c) Reframe the language: Use neutral, non-judgmental language that encourages constructive dialogue.
Reframing is the art of restating any toxic expressions used by a party in a less threatening manner, without compromising the truth of the statement. The other party will then hear what was said in a manner that seems less threatening. During the separate private meetings, note the toxic expressions used by parties during the separate private meeting. Reframe these toxic expressions before asking a question, but not at the expense of the truth.
Example 1:
Reframing toxic language:
‘She never listens to anyone, and that’s why things always go wrong.‘
Reframed:
It seems like there might be moments where communication breaks down, and that can create challenges in reaching a resolution.‘
By rephrasing in this way, you’re still addressing the truth of what was said but in a way that is more likely to invite cooperation rather than defensiveness.
Example 2:
You can also reframe in a way that focuses on the possible impacts on the party.
Karen says:
‘He bullies me to get it done on time!’
Mediator’s reframe:
‘I hear you saying that you feel pressured to get things done on time. What is this like for you?’
Example 3:
Or ask the party how they would have liked it to have been different, or how they would like it to be in the future.
Karen says:
‘He bullies me to get it done on time!’
Mediator’s reframe:
‘I hear you saying that you feel pressured to get things done on time?’
or
‘How would you like John to be different in the future?’
Note:
Do not ask a question based on the future until after emotions have been vented and underlying interests have been reached, otherwise a party could become quite frustrated and think they have not been heard.
Replace words such as but, and however, with the word and
When two points are being made in a sentence, and if they are linked with words like but or however, it breaks the sentence in two and creates an opposition between the two points being made:
Example:
Party says:
‘She was good at the start; however, her standards have dropped.’
Additionally, it can make one part of the sentence conditional on the other part:
Example:
‘I will do it, but only if she…’
Instead a mediator needs to reframe and say:
‘I hear you saying the Mary was good and the start and that her standards have dropped?’
Next Newsletter
What do you do when you are just itching to give advice?!
NOTE!
The 2nd Edition of ‘The Mediator’s Toolkit: Formulating and Asking Questions for Successful Outcomes’, published 10th June 2025 can be ordered on amazon.com or waterstones.com or on amazon.co.uk and other well known websites.
Next O’Sullivan Solutions online advanced mediation courses:
15, 16, 22, 23, October 2026
Time Schedule for all advanced mediation courses:
Irish Standard Time: / GMT: 1.30pm -5.30pm
Four half days – Live zoom course
advanced level mediator training
